Being a Good Granny...

Starts with learning to be a good mother in law.

When my grandson, Wolfie, was born, it became one of the most profound and transformative moments of my life. Becoming a grandmother opens the heart in new ways, but it also calls for wisdom, restraint, and a deep understanding of your role in this unfolding journey. When your child steps into parenthood, it’s no longer about you; it’s about creating a foundation of love and support that helps them thrive in this incredible new chapter. I offer this story because so many have asked me how I maintain such a loving relationship with my daughter in law. The answer is pretty simple. I always try to listen with love.

I’ve seen so many well-meaning mother-in-laws unintentionally overstep boundaries when their grandchildren are born. I choose to believe that it's not out of malice or jealousy, but from sheer excitement and love. Still, in those early days, the last thing a new mother needs is to feel like she’s being judged, corrected, or overshadowed. She's already getting sometimes too much unsolicited advice. That’s why I made a conscious decision when my grandson was born that I would support my daughter-in-law in the ways she needed, not in the ways I thought she needed. It wasn’t always easy, but I’ve always felt proud of the way that I navigated this journey.

First and foremost, I never walked in and immediately reached for the baby. It’s so tempting to do this, isn’t it? There’s nothing like holding that sweet, tiny bundle of magic in your arms. But I wanted my daughter-in-law to know that she was the priority. My first question when I walked through the door was always, “How are you feeling? What do you need right now?” And I meant it. If she needed rest, I’d hold the baby so she could sleep. If she wanted to hold her baby while I folded laundry or did the dishes, that’s what I’d do. I never assumed. I asked.

One of the ways I found to truly support was by nourishing them—both literally and figuratively. I made batch after batch of hearty soups, perfect for freezing and reheating on nights when everything felt like too much. At the time, they were living in New York, and I never left the city without making sure their freezer was brimming with meals that brought warmth and ease to their days. Cooking wasn’t just about the food; it was a way of saying, 'I see you. I care for you. Let me help lighten your load.' I took care of little household tasks—laundry, vacuuming, tidying up—so she didn’t have to think about them. I bought her flowers, fed the cats and walked their dog. Jim and I sat tucked away in the back room at times so that she and my son could have all of the space they needed. I wanted her to have the space to focus on what mattered most: bonding with her baby and recovering from childbirth. Those early days are so fragile, and a mother’s energy should go toward healing and nurturing, not worrying about whether the sink is full of dishes.

And here’s the most important thing: I never offered unsolicited advice.If she asked me a question, I was happy to share my experience, but I let her lead. She’s the mother, and it was important to me that she felt empowered and confident in her own instincts. My daughter in law has a really terrific mother with lots of baby experience. Even if she chose to do things differently than I had, I knew that I wasn’t her mother, so I didn’t try to be, but what emerged instead was a really supportive role, a role where I could be a part of their lives easily, my role wasn’t to criticize or correct. My role was to support her in becoming the mother she wanted to be. Above all, as my son and daughter-in-law navigated this new terrain, I made a point of—and still do—not involving myself in their relationship or taking sides. It’s always been important to us to see them as a unit. Alex is no longer just my son; he has brought me a beloved daughter who is as much a part of me now as he is. By honoring their partnership, I’ve found that I’m able to support them both with love and respect, without ever making it about myself.

One thing I’ve learned is that being a good grandmother starts with being a good mother-in-law. It’s about putting your own ego aside and asking yourself, “How can I truly help?” It’s about remembering that your daughter-in-law is navigating a world of emotions, hormones, and exhaustion, and the best thing you can do is make her feel supported and seen. It’s not about staking your claim as the grandmother; it’s about creating an environment where your daughter-in-law feels safe, cared for, and loved.

So, to all the mother-in-laws out there, here’s my advice: Be the calm in the storm. Be the extra pair of hands, the reassuring presence, the quiet supporter. Show up with love and without expectations. Hold the baby when you’re needed, and hold your tongue when you’re not. Cook, clean, fold laundry, and let her know you see how hard she’s working. And above all, let her know that you’re there for her as much as you’re there for the baby and for your son.

Because when you nurture the mother, you nurture the entire family. That’s the kind of legacy worth leaving behind.

With Affection Always,

Beth